What about me?

 

Imagine

 

Sometimes you just have to be your own hero & save your own heart. Is  it possible to commit no errors and still lose? I think that is not a weakness. That is life.  What’s wrong with everyone?….. everything it’s upside down. Tell me your lies, let your secrets have no ties…how could you let it be this way.. Look at all the damage you have done in time. All the love you sacrificed it’s suffocating me. I bleed my pain just to restrain myself for not crying  because I know  it’s not easy for you either and you couldn’t handle it. You need me  to be strong for you, and keep you from falling. But I can’t be strong anymore, not even for myself. I already  hit the ground. Long time ago.  My heart was tortured for so many years…. It  was being ripped apart, stabbed and then chopped into a thousand pieces. How does this sounds to you?…. And now I gathered what was left of it, and trying my best to recover…..but you are  starting it all over again… And it’s only getting harder and harder to breath with every second spent together. How am I supposed to live with nothing left? I need at least a tiny little piece just for surviving …Please don’t take this one too…. Because it’s not even fully mine…my boyfriend put it there.  It feels like everything I knew about life by now it’s a lie. It’s a desired fantasy which is killing everything inside me,..me and my dreams.  I came to think that you are taught to think of “normal”  not for what its actually normal but for what its desired to be. It’s so disappointing to find out the truth on your own. It’s more than painful.
I couldn’t even allow myself to suffer in front of you. Of anyone. But you just saw your pain. I know it’s sad to think that we could be happy…. Does this feel better than love? What the fuck its love then? It’s the same thing as I feel?  I don’t think so. You left me empty inside. I couldn’t even feel my own pain. It’s so frustrating. But I still kept  it all for myself. For you. I know you never really get me, I’m way to deep, but I just wanted to protect you. I’m not judging you, I’m not even blaming you, but look what have you done to me… You destroyed everything I believed in, you made me feel unsafe, you pretty much destroyed me. You made me became my worst enemy, the thing I fear the most it’s myself. So I’m not asking for saving because I know no one can save me from myself. And because all of these weren’t really my fault I came to fear things I can’t control. I can’t even sleep well at night, same nightmare night after night after night… for years.  I’m so confused about everything, I’m sure of nothing in this world, I believe in nothing…. Nothing but myself. I’ve been through a lot but I always found a way to make it all okay.  Maybe I just got tired of this, you keep hitting me were it hurts the most.  After all these time I can’t take it anymore, you are killing me for real, literally killing me. I  just wanna live. Please let me be. I’ll start it all over again from nothing.  Do you have any idea what a panic attack it feels like, or being shocked? Just stop it… i know you are also suffering and you can’t see my pain but it’s better if you just stop it. For you, and also for me.

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